How to Sustain Intimacy in your Marriage Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe

How to Sustain Intimacy in your Marriage

Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe

After seven years of marriage, Anita just can‘t believe what her marriage to Ted has become. ”We hardly talk anymore and even when we do, it is only in monosyllables and I don‘t like it,” she started her story.

Didn‘t she see it coming? ”Not at all. Right from the time we started dating, we were almost inseparable. I would hardly go anywhere without my husband and vice versa. Then our friends were always teasing us but we didn‘t mind. Even after marriage, it was as though nothing could ever separate us. Ted was my soul mate.”

”However, after a couple of years I noticed that we hardly spent any time together any more. But I erroneously attributed it to work. You see, Ted is an IT manager in a multinational and he was always working round the clock and since I work in a bank it didn‘t really make things easier. However, with time I realised that it wasn‘t just about work; we just couldn‘t connect. I found out that even when we stayed home together my husband would rather spend his time chatting with friends on the phone, browsing and watching movies. To worsen matters whenever he was watching a movie and I joined him, he would quickly stand up and excuse himself as though my presence was disturbing him.

”Many times, when we were invited to events together, if I insisted on going with him, he would opt out. At the moment, our sex life is almost non-existent and the few times we managed to make love, I hardly enjoyed and I don‘t think he did either. I have tried to investigate if he is having an affair but so far, I have come up with nothing. My friends insist that he must be having an affair for him to have turned off like that. Right now I just want my husband back because this is not the kind of union I envisaged when I was getting married.”

If only Anita could have a peep into what happens in other marriages, then she would know that hers isn‘t an exceptional case. So many couples are suffering under the burden of unromantic marriages that have lost every meaning of the very word itself. They stay under the same roof, possibly sleep on the same bed, eat at the same table but remain strangers to each other.

Unfortunately, these couples rather than do something about the quite undesirable situation, trade blames and sometimes end up with extra-marital affairs, which of course, more often than not, destroys the marriage entirely.

The problem is that many couples have not realised the simple truth; marriage is work and good marriage takes a lot of hard work to achieve. No matter how much in love you are with your spouse, there is no guarantee the marriage would remain as sweet and romantic as the time you started out if you don‘t work towards it. Of course, one is not saying that being in love isn‘t ideal but it is simply not enough. You must make effort to foster intimacy in your union. And for those who think their marriage is worth fighting for, I leave these few tips for sustaining intimacy in a marriage.

The eye contact angle

It might seem silly but experts say if you want to gauge the level of intimacy in your relationship, consider the amount of time you spend with a locked gaze.

Eye contact, they say, is absolutely essential to maintaining intimacy in a relationship. In other words, learn to not only talk to your spouse, but also always try to look right into his or her eyes when doing so. Many people can‘t look at their spouse even when making love; they would rather avert their faces or close their eyes. This act of modesty may not be the best for the marriage in the long run.

Don‘t take a kiss for granted.

How often do you kiss? Many people can‘t remember the last time they truly locked lips with their spouse in a passionate kiss. But experts have said that kissing is very essential in maintaining intimacy in marriage. There is even a study which claims that kissing releases oxytocin (the neurochemical that makes you feel bonded) and decreases cortisol levels, so it may also reduce stress.

Don‘t forget the little things because they do matter

Developing and sustaining intimacy in your marriage isn‘t something that should require elaborate preparations. For instance, you don‘t need to spend extra money to send your spouse a text message during working hours appreciating him for a wonderful time in bed the previous night. Nothing stops you from cuddling up with your spouse for just a few minutes in bed before living home. And don‘t think that those who welcome their spouses home with warm smiles and kisses don‘t know what they are doing; they are ensuring that the flame of romance in their marriage never goes off.

Try the ‘SECRET CODE‘ strategy.

It may seem childish but some couples who have tried it do testify that it makes them feel closer when they have those little codes that are only known to them. I know of a friend who would call her husband and tell him in coded language that she couldn‘t wait to get her hands on him at night. And that little message, she says, tickles her man so much that she feels so pleased with herself anytime she says it. You can have a secret symbol that makes meaning to only you and you spouse. Remember the sole aim is to remain connected always.

Don‘t be afraid to fight

Surprised that I should suggest this? Well, when one says couples should not be afraid to fight, it is not about physical fight or domestic abuse. The truth is that there is no way two people can live together and there won‘t be conflicts now and then. The aim here is to avoid bottling up feelings which can lead to resentment and ultimately impact negatively on your intimacy.